A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their
anniversary submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my
wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd
know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like the devil !!! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my
testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
Still in shock, Earl