Tools - Hemi Truck Club
 
Go Back   Hemi Truck Club > HemiTruckClub Community Forums > HemiTruckClub Drivers Lounge (Community Discussions)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 12-30-2007, 09:34 AM   #1
Senior Member
 
RAM-Page's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 14,645
Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou sheeeet...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make moon-shaped holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lung It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need!

RAM-Page is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-30-2007, 09:39 AM   #2
Senior Member
 
D500's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Jonesborough, Tennessee
Posts: 11,318
Garage
Tools



How true, how true...!

D500 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 09:42 AM   #3
Senior Member
 
madcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Royse City, TX
Posts: 8,558
Tools

oh how true these are!

madcat is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-30-2007, 09:56 AM   #4
Senior Member
 
Freeze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Posts: 13,698
Tools

Freeze is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 09:58 AM   #5
Senior Member
 
SLAMLLC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 2,324
Tools

SLAMLLC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 10:14 AM   #6
&quotRANCHER&quot
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Tools

I just happen to have every one of those. They work just as intended too!

  Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 10:20 AM   #7
Senior Member
 
nopeitsherhemi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Kalliesworld, Indiana
Posts: 13,314
Garage
Tools

Quote:
quote:Originally posted by RAM-Page:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make moon-shaped holes in walls when hanging pictures.
that should read BFH!
nopeitsherhemi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 10:21 AM   #8
Director Emeritus
 
MrHemi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Western NC
Posts: 40,856
Garage
Tools

MrHemi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 11:18 AM   #9
Senior Member
 
HeminatorTom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Austin, AR
Posts: 3,730
Tools

Very funny, very true.
HeminatorTom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-30-2007, 11:23 AM   #10
Senior Member
 
Ice-Hemi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Iceland
Posts: 1,652
Tools

Ice-Hemi is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


» Premium Vendor Showcase
n2 Speed Edge InTune Edge OCPerformance Parts

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:27 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.